Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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