im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
