Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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