I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
