I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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