Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
