Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
All I want is dick and wine.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
