I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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