i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
