He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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