Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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