"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
