Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
