I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
