Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
