I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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