Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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