Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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