If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
