mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
