Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
