you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
