I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
