I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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