Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
