Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
