Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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