Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
