somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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