Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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