see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
