Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
