I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
