I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
