This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
