bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
