You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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