I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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