She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
