i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
