you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
