good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
