Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
