We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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