Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
