Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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