Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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