Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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