Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
