When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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