Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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